Pet Loss & Disenfranchised Grief: Rejecting Stigma

Feeling alone, misunderstood, or unsupported in your grief after the death of a beloved companion animal? There's a very good reason for that. Pet loss grief = disenfranchised grief. If you're navigating pet loss grief and you've found your way to this page, you may already be familiar with the term "disenfranchised grief." If not, let's break it down. Simply put, disenfranchised grief is a fancy way to say that the loss you've experienced and the way you're mourning may not be recognized by society at large as valid. You may not feel socially supported, or you may find your experience is dismissed altogether at times.

This can apply to all types of loss; perhaps you've had someone suggest that "at least you can try again" after experiencing a miscarriage. Maybe you've heard "but they had such a long life" in response to expressing pain over the death of a grandparent. These comments, even if well-intended, hurt. They make us feel like the depths to which we are grieving aren't warranted or understood.

The thing is, our society - particularly in the western world - Remains largely uncomfortable with death and dying. We don't generally embrace discussions related to quality of death, transition, and mourning. As a whole, we have quite a bit of work to do when it comes to navigating loss and grief - and that's just where human beings are concerned.

So of course, we have even more work to do when it comes to companion animal grief and the stigma surrounding pet loss.

Pet loss grievers are recipients of some of most "did you really just say that out loud?" comments from family and friends. Do you recognize any of these?

"It was only a pet, you'll be okay soon." "You can always get another one."

"It's been awhile...I thought you'd be over this."

These, and comments like these, are indicative of a society that largely doesn't appreciate the impact of losing a companion animal, or how deeply meaningful these bonds are. Those navigating the loss of a pet may start to question their own grief process - are my feelings acceptable? Am I grieving "too much" or in the wrong way? Is there something wrong with me for mourning my pet this deeply and for this long?

Short answer: NO. There is nothing wrong with you.

Our pets are often our first real experience of safety and unconditional love. They are integrated into so much of our daily lives, and act as constant non-judgmental companions. Studies show they even help to regulate our nervous systems. Of COURSE it hurts like hell when they transition. While the love and the bond we share with our companion animals remain with us, the grief we experience when losing them physically is absolutely valid and completely normal. And while we can learn to live with it, it doesn't have an expiration date.

In a society that stigmatizes so much - from things as trivial as how much makeup we wear to topics as serious as mental illness - it can be easy to internalize this type of criticism. But what if we choose to reject it entirely? That's my challenge to all of us in this community - those deeply feeling humans navigating grief. Pet loss grief may be widely disenfranchised, but there are plenty of us who understand not only how valid it is to mourn a pet, but that our grief is actually a beautiful (if not painful) reflection of love. Next time you hear those upsetting comments, join me in refusing to internalize the stigma surrounding pet loss. That may look something like:

"It was only a pet, you'll be okay soon." My pet was my family. It's okay that I'm not okay right now.

"You can always get another one." My family member isn't replaceable, even if we do eventually bring another pet into our home.

"It's been awhile...I thought you'd be over this."

There's no time limit on grief, because there's no time limit on love. I loved my pet deeply.

It may also look like simply walking away and choosing to disengage.

We deserve support in pet loss grief, and that starts with giving ourselves grace and permission to mourn without apology. The type of people who grieve their pets deeply are the type of people who make this world worth living in - empathetic, caring, devoted. And although it may be tempting to wish we didn't feel such hurt, we can remind ourselves that the only reason this pain exists is because a deeply held bond exists as well. If you need added support and tools for healing as you navigate pet loss grief, they exist too. I'm here. We don't have to accept any stigma placed on us, and we don't have to heal alone. And eventually, maybe enough of us shifting perspectives and rejecting the stigma can change the societal narrative that exists surrounding pet loss grief.

Wouldn't the world be better for it?